The Dreaming Tree!

Oh well! I seem to that a lot these days. I find it easier to hold my hands high and surrender. Makes me happier in some ways. As someone once scorned and looked at us all and went, ''Stay happy, you ignorant fools!'' An ignorant fool? Am I really or is it someone I chose to be. I see myself in that someone who said that but then I also think, it's just me who is an ignorant fool. Questions! questions! more questions! Are we going to ask them questions that scare me? Will I find truth in my defiance? I am fed up! I surrender. Did I not say that already? I am happy. Very happy. I wish my Shiva was just as happy. Oh! but wait. Super Sumi has a plan for her. She will be all well. Tell you what? She WILL be all well. I won't surrender. But what of them other people I love so very much? Ashish thanks me for giving him 'Sad Eyes' and I feel miserable. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. And I am feeling fine again. I feel I am growing old. I am growing old, this very minute. My words become muffled, my vision becomes distorted. I am fixated to/in? this space. Anyhow, I am fixated! There are these screaming words in my head! Them words that must be said. ~Them words that must be heard and they shout out loud to me and this afternoon, they say more clearly than ever before. They say, I am a dreaming tree. A tree that grows old,doesn't move just grows. I am a tree for I do not move. I am tree for I watch people the people around me, move. I am tree that dreams as I watch everyone else, foools? no, not fools, just people. I am the dreaming tree!

Me, the Me.

02/01/10 . . Do I really believe in that date? Truth of the matter is, yes, I do, I just chose not, like most of the things I do. This year, I chose to be a New Year Scrooge. It's all Bah! Humbug! to me and it seems all so silly to me. All so absurd, all so meaningless and for the first time, I stare at those three words and I stare at them hard. ''Happy New Year'' they say and I read them but I can't get myself to say them out loud. Every Ship must sail away, so, here is gone, 2009. Why do I not want to let go of it? Why do I hold on to it so tight? Is it where I feel safe? Is it where I want to be? I know, I don't. I just get cold feet as and when I move forward. It wasn't this hard. It has just become hard now. My feet get colder and colder and my steps seem to freeze but then there is a part of me that wants to run past it all. Run past twenty ten. Run to the hazy future that I want to see clear and bright. :) For it makes me smile. Oh yes! it does. :) They say, ''Live in the moment'' but where do I live, once the moment is over? So, I make an attempt to make sense (haha ironically the word is not often used in my context) of the haziness that lies infront of me but as I do so this fear and panic starts to grip (but the word rip would also do) me. The neauseating 'what ifs of what just might be a mirage'' attacks me from all sides! I, broken to bits, a bit that sighs, a bit that judes, a bit that comprehends none, a bit that thinks, a bit that smiles and a bit that doesn't give a tiny rat's ass (thank you Phoebe). Me, the me! oh! the me! that scorns at the drunken fools that enter semi-consciously, the fools that refuse to see what we have done to ourselves, what we are doing to ourself and everything around as we enter into this 'new' year. Is it really new? No, it isn't! These are the same people who did the exact same thing last year, them fools, who will do the exact same thing the year after this one. Me, the me! oh the precious me! that sees it all, the one that wonders what will become of it all? Where does it all stop? or does it EVEN stop? Me. the me! The one who sits cosy, in piles of wool! Me, the me! that points! Me, me that accuses! Bah! Humbug! you drunken fools! Me, OH ME! the hypocrite that is Me. :)

Impregnated!!

The mystery is finally solved! I AM pregnant. Pregnant with extreme sadness that grows inside of me, each day, every day. Pregnant with this feeling of nausea at the thought of how self-consumed I have become. Pregnant with the morning sickness I feel every morning that makes me lay in my bed hoping for a miracle that would take me some place else. And I shut my eyes tight, really right, hoping and praying for someone to protect me and hug me. And as I lay there with my eyes shut I try to escape this feeling of dread. Making an enemy of reality, I live in this world of make believe and as I do so, I hurt so many in the process. That ugly face of a narcissist that stares back at me from the mirror, I can't stand to look at it!! How I wish it would go away.
I feel the rain on the inside of the window and I am soaked and I am cold. Only if in l hadn't been such a snob and befriended the rain when I could. Now it just rains on.. it rains on me!
I am a ghost that moves about in a daze. I am that ghost who sees people love me but one who knows not how to love them back for I feel nothing. Cold! The absence of warmth, that is what I have become!
And as I sit here so consumed with myself, wallowing on self-pity, I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know who she is, one who sits here! This wasn't me!! Who is she??
And they say, "thank you Miss Bhatia for your generous contribution. It's people like you......."
People like me? People who flash their credit cards and think they've done their bit and and can now sit down and think about nothing but themselves for the rest of the month? Is that who I have become? Of all the masks I wear, this is definatelt not the one I chose to be!! This is not who I will be!!

Zilch!

Under a grey sky, the immobile tree, my soul companion. All else fades away. Maybe it's not important enough. There are these thoughts that run amock, in my head. A Tsunami in the making. As if in a crowded room where everyone is talking and everyone's talking all at once. I catch a few words from here and there. 'Anxiety?', 'Consciousness?', 'Fear?', 'Happiness?', 'Smiles?', Worrries?', Future?', 'Past?', 'Sunshine?', 'Practicality?' . Those useless words! What good are they to me? They seem to add up no more. Heck! I am no Pythagorus but I wasn't looking for a revolutionary theorem anyways. All I was, all I am looking for is for them to make a little sense. Phhbt! I couldn't be bothered with it anymore as I sit here blocking everything else. I hold on to that thought that fills me with a sudden rush of happiness, with it, music fills the air. I breathe again! I come out of my trance and I notice how people wear alot of Bench. I notice that man sitting on his doorstep smoking after what seems like days. I notice my neighbors car is full of kid stuff. I didn't even know they had a baby. I move on and I notice a wooden skeleton and what looks like a carpenters' table. Perhaps, they are working on something. I notice the trash cans still full of garbage. Like the week before, council still hasn't taken the rubbish. I reach home and I it's 10 to seven. As I close the door to the outside world, I notice how the seconds hand ticks a mocking goodbye over and over again, as if to say, ''How long before this ends? How long? How long? How long? How long?'' And I spot it! There it is! that feeling of not feeling anything at all. There it is that feeling of being empty again.

Death!

Ceasing to live is also a part of life. Yes, death is a part of life and the more you repeat it, the more theses words start to sink in. Though, the reason is still unknown but no life is also a part of life.
We call it Death!
The same dark, omnious word that we often use as a joke but a word, strong enough to send a shiver down your spine. Is it supposed to be so scary? But then I guess, unknown always is. We are all such control freak, at the end of the day, and we like to know the whats? the whys? and hows? and so on. In a way, anything mysterious becomes sinister, by default.
"He was only a little kid, she was such a happy soul, they should have lived longer! It is unfair!"
18 0r 80, will it EVER be fair? Will we EVER say, "Oh! you've lived long enough, it's time you say goodbye?" What IS the 'right' age to die? We were all born, so, we all have the right to live.
"Zindagi badi honi chahiye, babu moshaye, lambi nahi."
These words seem to ring in my ears. I believe, it really holds true. Not living is sadder than the absence of life.
And what when somebody dies, do we actually moan their ot being able to live or our own loss? Does it all come down to us being selfish?
And why should it be so morbid? We don't know howthings are after.. If it's all left to our imagination, maybe it isn't that bad after all or maybe we are again trying to ease our pain.
I guess, I wouldn't know till that man in the black cloak is out to get me.

Transparent!

I seemed to have lost my faith!
Perhaps it was the swine that got me. It must have been it! The
constant gnawing at my insides, the never-ending anxiety, the receding
faith, the oceans I cried, all must have been the symptoms.
I was looking for answers, I could not find, them legs moving on in a
trance, them eyes shut tight!
I sit here today and I have my answers. I always had them, I just
wasn’t looking. It is so simple that I can’t put it in words which
only makes me realise how complicated we like to make everything
around us.

When was the last time that we actually admired something
that didn’t have an intricate design? We sit here with morbid thoughts
running like hurricanes in our minds, moaning about how wrongs things
were and we call out his name with such a sorry desperation in our
voices but when was the last that we turned to him with a faith so
strong that things would be better? When was the last time that we
used the eyes he gave to look at him or used our ears to hear his
voice? When was the last time we loved everything we have with our
heart? When was the last time we smiled a smile that reached our eyes?
When was the last time we appreciated someone else without a hint of
jealousy?
We cry about the problems we created for ourselves and every time we
do that we look for God to pin it on but when was the last time we
actually take ownership of all those things that we didn’t do?
It’s just so simple so I let it be like it is! :)

Puzzle Pieces!

In a miserable attempt, I sit here trying to place this puzzle piece, I named Sumira, the only problem is that it just doesn't seem to fit anywhere and I
try to shape so it does fit somewhere, I try to sharpen the edges. No, no that doesn't work. So, I smoothen the surface, I mould and re-mould it but there is no place that it fits.

Surrounded by those people I love and by those who love me, I feel so alone. A solitary reaper, perhaps. I try to make myself heard, I voice my thoughts but them dreaded words cease to make sense. The mind stops to comprehend. I look for answers I never get. I want someone to hear me, someone, anyone. I shout, I scream those words that echo in my head. Laughing faces, mischevious grins, flowing tears, everlasting sadness in some eyes, fires ablaze, oceans of blood, greens that turn silver, blue that turns brown, ah! that sweet sweet fragrance of money, and even sweeter that of power that follows the stench of vomit, flowers turn into thorns, a flicker of hope, the world spins madly on, the faith recedes, torpid corpes, the constant buzzing, pitch darkness, Void. A MAGNETIC GINORMOUS VOID.

And I find myself wishing that unspoken taboo wish. I find myself wishing Death. Maybe there is peace there. Maybe..